She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
