At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There are leaves in my underwear?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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