you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
