how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
