Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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