Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
