Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
