Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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