So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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