I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we're making bets on your personal life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
