You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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