Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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