you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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