quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
