can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
