i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
