new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
