this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
