The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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