I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that's an acceptable place to lick
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
