I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
