i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
