I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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