I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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