sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
