their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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