Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
