I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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