There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
