i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Say something about gay babies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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