my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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