Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
