There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
