I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
