Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
