I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He passed out mid-signature
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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