sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
