I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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