I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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