i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
