I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
