please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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