Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
