I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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