Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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