life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
