When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
