Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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