he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
