We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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