I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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