If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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