so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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