how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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