I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
