If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
